the woman.
(Source: snowcharmings)
“im a girl, so it’s not sexist if i say it :P”
How To Make Love
About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married. And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they’re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freaks me out. I have cats—they were broken, but now they’re fixed—so I don’t have to worry about this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex… with girls… this is what I would say.
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
I AM SORRY BUT THIS IS WHY I AM EMBARRASSED TO BE AN AMERICAN. IF A HIJAB THAT DORNS THE AMERICAN FLAG PATTERN IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BUT SKIMPY ASS BIKINIS OR WEARING THE FUCKING ACTUAL FLAG IS ACCEPTABLE, JUST BECAUSE THE PERSON IS WHITE, I WANT TO FUCKING THROW UP.
(I don’t have a thing against Audrey Kitching, she was just merely and example).
But this fucking disgusts me right here. It makes me want to say, fuck this country and its racism and double standards.
also notice how these people are calling her a terrorist even though she didn’t do anything wrong
but they are threatening to kill, beat, steal from, and degrade this woman for simply wearing an article of clothing
fuck everything
“Confront!! Aggressively! !!!”
i’m sorry but I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of that dude in particular but
seriously
what the shit
wow people that think like that about women wearing the hijab are naive as fuck
No wonder I lost faith in humanity long ago.
So I tried posting this on that very same facebook page, only to discover that my comment has been deleted and I have been banned for trying to expose their hate:
Can we show this douche-bag that there are enlightened individuals out there who care? Who care enough to fight back by reporting this page? It’s a hate group and it needs to be reported:
Follow the above instructions and please, PLEASE report this page by clicking here: [click]
Do not even try to feed these trolls; just quietly report them so that no fuel is being added to the ever-growing fire.
I highly encourage everyone to signal boost this post because what the admin did was uncouth, unprofessional and downright ignorant of him!
So don’t just ‘like’ this post; reblog it so that the word gets out to everyone! We will not let ignorance continue on for this long!
shoutout out to all my buddies who have shitty dads or no dads at all this father’s day, you turned out just great regardless, you can’t choose your family and you don’t deserve any negativity from them,and you don’t deserve backlash or guilt-tripping for cutting them out of your life if that’s what you need/ed to do and i love you all
I find it interesting that in all the time I’ve known the story of The Ugly Duckling, it never occurred to me until now to question how the hell a swan egg got into a duck’s nest in the first place.
Look, it was a—okay. Bernice isn’t proud of it, but Olivia was beautiful because, well, swans are beautiful, okay? And they’d been in love. Really in love. And Bernice had been happy to sit on Olivia’s egg—they were going to beat the odds, they were going to raise their family together, and everyone else could go eat sand.
But Olivia—well. It got too much, and she went back to Irving and Bernice wasn’t going to punish the kid, okay? She wasn’t, not when the swans all took off and left to hide the shame of what Olivia had done (not that it was shameful, it wasn’t, it wasn’t).
But then it hatched and Bernice had never really…paid attention to what swan hatchlings look like, and she was sort of relieved? She thought maybe if Olivia’s daughter was ugly, she’d learn the value in other things.
So she turned a blind eye to things she shouldn’t have, and the other ducklings were mean to Penelope, but—well. Then the swans came back, and Penelope was adored, beautiful, so strong for having endured.
And Bernice’s heart broke all over again, because it was worse than losing Olivia.
Why are you like this.
Ryan Jones not taking your homophobic bullshit.
things that shouldn’t make you tear up on a sunday night but do
(Source: kephiso)
